SATIRE: How to Survive in Uganda without buying food, a foolproof guide

Welcome, dear reader, to the ultimate guide to surviving in Uganda without the basic human need for food! Yes, you heard that right—forget about that whole “three meals a day” nonsense.

In this country, we thrive on a different kind of sustenance: pure resilience and a heavy dose of hope. So, here’s a tongue-in-cheek survival manual on how to float through life in Uganda without ever needing a morsel to chew.

Become a “Fresh Air-tarian”

Why spend your hard-earned shillings on food when you can get the freshest air in abundance? Simply position yourself near any bustling roadside, inhale deeply, and fill up on the intoxicating aroma of grilled chicken (or Rolex if you’re feeling fancy) without actually having to eat it. Who knew roadside chapatti could smell so good and cost you nothing? It’s a win-win, really!

Master the Art of Queue-Sitting

Ever visited a government office in Uganda? If not, it’s time to take advantage of the rich experience of sitting for hours on end, waiting for that elusive document to be processed. While you’re at it, sitting in a queue will help you forget about the gnawing hunger in your stomach. You’ll be so focused on trying to maintain your spot in line that food will become an afterthought. Plus, it builds patience—a skill more valuable than calories any day.

Be a Professional Funeral Attendee

Uganda is a deeply communal society, and we love to support each other during hard times. Attend funerals. Lots of them. Show up in your best attire, offer your heartfelt condolences, and then stay for the post-service refreshments. Funerals are the perfect place to get a good meal without having to spend a shilling. Just make sure to act somber until after you’ve eaten—wouldn’t want to seem insensitive.

Rely on “Visiting Relatives”

Every Ugandan knows the key to surviving tough times: relatives. Visit them, often. Your aunt, uncle, cousin twice removed—they all owe you hospitality, and what better way to enjoy a hot meal than to “just pass by” unannounced? Bonus points if you arrive around lunchtime. They can’t possibly let you leave without offering you food. If you’re good at this, you could technically survive an entire week, just hopping from one relative’s home to the next.

Participate in Political Rallies

In Uganda, political rallies are more than just platforms for speeches and campaigning—they’re full-blown carnivals! Make it a habit to attend as many political rallies as you can. You don’t have to care about the speeches; just look for the food trucks. There’s usually free food (especially during election seasons), whether it’s bottled water or handouts of rice and beans. Pretend to listen attentively, clap at the right moments, and boom! You’ve secured a free meal. Democracy at work!

Become a Pastor (Even Better: Start a Church)

You’ve probably noticed that pastors in Uganda are some of the most well-fed individuals around. And the best part? They don’t even need to ask for food; it’s brought to them in offerings! By becoming a pastor, not only will you avoid hunger, but you’ll also get to wear nice suits while doing it. Starting your own church is even better—soon, the faithful will bring you fruits, chicken, and maybe even envelopes stuffed with cash. No cooking required!

The Classic “Meet Me at the Café” Move

Now, this one is a social art form. Next time someone says, “Let’s meet and catch up,” be strategic. Suggest a café or restaurant and make sure they order first. When the bill comes, suddenly “realize” you’ve forgotten your wallet. Your friend will graciously offer to pay, and there you have it—free lunch! Just be careful not to use this too frequently on the same friend, or you might end up having to actually pay next time.

Get Political

This one takes some guts, but it’s the ultimate long-term survival plan. Join a political party, any party. Climb the ranks slowly but surely. Soon, you’ll be invited to banquets, luncheons, and international conferences. Every time a government committee meets, food is served. Your goal here is to score a “per diem” or two. These allowances not only cover accommodation and travel but, more importantly, food. Keep your opinions vague, nod at every speech, and let the meals roll in.

Hang Around University Events

University events are notorious for their free snacks, especially during graduation season or when hosting workshops and conferences. Sneak into the nearest institution of higher learning and blend in with the crowd. Chances are there will be trays of samosas, cakes, and juice just lying around, waiting for you to “sample” them. The more you smile and act interested in the event, the longer you can linger at the refreshment table.

Become a Wedding Crasher

Weddings in Uganda are grand affairs, often with hundreds of guests, many of whom are distant acquaintances or barely known at all. Use this to your advantage! Show up, preferably dressed in a suit or a gomesi, and make your way to the buffet line. As long as you smile politely and carry yourself with confidence, no one will question whether you’re actually on the guest list. Free food and possibly a dance or two!

Final Thoughts: It’s All About Community

Surviving without eating in Uganda is not just a physical feat; it’s about tapping into the vibrant social fabric that holds the country together. Whether it’s sneaking into events, relying on family, or leveraging political gatherings, the key to survival lies in community. Sure, food is important, but let’s not underestimate the power of resourcefulness—and a well-timed funeral visit.

So, as you can see, dear reader, surviving in Uganda without eating is less about starving yourself and more about mastering the art of navigating social networks. Plus, think of the stories you’ll gather for future generations! Bon appétit (or not)!